2008-07-20 - 8:21 p.m.
1 int. Office Night
JACK sits at his desk.
LIZZY (off-screen)
The literary world is an odd world.
For example, its story of origin,
Beowulf, lives only as a manuscript.
There is no known author.
The first author, Homer�
JACK (spins in chair)
Shut up Lizzy!
Scene slams to black.
2 Int. Bedroom Night
JACK lays awake with LIZZY softly sleeping next to him as scene fades from black.
JACK (voice-over)
When I ripped off Beowulf and put my
name on it, I thought the industry would
crucify me.
JACK (out loud)
They actually are� Slowly.
LIZZY (murmuring)
Can�t crucify success.
JACK makes freaked expression.
JACK (voice-over)
Did she hear me think that?
JACK (out loud)
Or am I getting my inner and outer-
LIZZY (firmer)
Yes you are speaking out loud right now.
JACK looks at her again.
JACK (voice-over)
A lot of people called Beodog a masterpiece. I told myself, to make it all legit, and win over those that didn�t like Beodog I wouldn�t rip-off anyone else�s book ever again. Also there aren�t any other completed books
without a name attached.
JACK (out-loud)
Maybe the Bible-
JACK looks over at LIZZY again. Stares back at ceiling.
JACK (voice-over)
The things people said about my second book, The Jones Gyroscope, were so�
Newspaper clippings flash through the screen with these newspaper and magazine quotes:
��uneven follow-up�questionable first effort�more research was needed��
�The Jones Gyroscope�horrible�crappy�doesn�t even know what a gyroscope is��
��waste of my time� a night I�ll never get back� what editor allowed the gyroscope to be a character?�
JACK (out loud)
I got a headline too.
LIZZY (angry)
Mmmm.
A newspaper headline floats through the screen:
�HACK WRITER DEFINES SOPHOMORE SLUMP�
JACK (voice-over)
It was the bloggers who really teed off on me.
Internet page screens with clear headlines pass through the room:
�I Hope Jack Jones Gets Hit By A Bus��
�Jack Jones� Eat Shit� Die� Doesn�t Even Know What A Gyroscope Is Really Used For��
�Jack Jones Could Write The Directions To Heaven On Lindsey Lohan�s Tits And I Still Wouldn�t Read It��
JACK (voice-over)
That really vulgar one was kinda good.
People who call me a hack must not
read that blinverted hack. An abstract
Internet novel? J. Floyd King is nuts,
although I do like his football
commentary.
The phones start ringing loudly and JACK leaps from the bed, over a startled awake LIZZY. His feet hang above her head.
LIZZY
Why can�t guys have pretty feet
like we do?
3 Int. house day
LIZZY�S pretty feet are shown with the chirping of birds.
4 Int. house night
Back in the bedroom.
JACK
What�s wrong with my feet?
5 Int. house day
JACK�S feet are shown as a mule brays.
6 Int. bedroom night
Back in the bedroom.
LIZZY
Did you just hear a mule?
JACK (reaching for phone from ground)
Probably.
LIZZY
Who�s calling so late?
JACK (stands and reads caller ID)
It�s Gus (JACK answers phone).
Have you talked to Ginger?
LIZZY (same time as GUS)
Did it work?
GUS (off-screen, on phone)
It didn�t work.
JACK (shakes his head to LIZZY)
Well, if it didn�t work then why are
you calling me?
GUS (off-screen, on the phone)
Why, were you sleeping?
JACK
Uh, yeah.
GUS
I hope Ginger is sleeping right now.
JACK
Where is she staying now?
GUS
With some guy from her work.
JACK
Oh.
LIZZY
Does Gus know that Ginger is staying
at Frank�s?
JACK nods.
GUS (off-screen, on the phone)
I�m sure they�re both sleeping-
In different rooms-
JACK
I�m sure he is being a real gentleman.
LIZZY
Who?
GUS (off-screen, on the phone)
What does that mean?
JACK
I don�t know, it�s hard to, uh, think
when it�s four in the morning.
GUS (off-screen)
Are you trying to say that I am
not a gentleman, Jack?
LIZZY (same time as GUS)
Gus sure isn�t a gentleman.
JACK
You know me Gus, I am incapable
of inference.
GUS (off-screen)
You�re always inferring. I don�t remember you thinking it was a bad idea.
JACK
Bro, I said it was the vilest thing you
could do to another human being.
LIZZY (same time as GUS)
You�re not kidding, Jack.
GUS (off-screen)
I thought you were kidding!
JACK and LIZZY start laughing as the scene fades to black.
7 Int. House Day
LIZZY is on the phone with a GIRL-FRIEND.
RITA (on phone)
I love when we go on vacations, but I just cannot take Ed anywhere.
LIZZY
What does he do that is so bad?
RITA (on phone)
Yeah, I guess it is not that bad,
At least we get to go out and
do fun stuff.
LIZZY
You are so lucky that you get
to go out and do such fun stuff.
RITA (on phone)
Lizzy, why don�t you guys just drive
to a different city and go to a movie
and dinner?
LIZZY
Well you know Jack, Rita.
RITA (on phone)
Yeah, what�s wrong with him?
8 Int. house same
JACK sits in front of a wall and sniffs his finger.
LIZZY (off-screen, downstairs)
He hasn�t had a real job in over three years.
RITA (on phone)
So he has no social skills and you have
to stay home every night?
9 Int. house same
Downstairs with LIZZY.
LIZZY
We don�t stay home every night.
RITA (on phone)
Oh really? What�d you do last night?
10 Int. House Night
JACK sits on a couch while LIZZY sits on the other couch. JACK is laughing at the DOG as he digs into the carpet.
11 Int. House Same
JACK sits in his office holding a screenplay writing book.
LIZZY (off-screen)
The dog amuses Jack, Rita.
JACK
Lizzy!
LIZZY (off-screen, yells upstairs)
I�m on the phone, Jack!
JACK
I hope you�re not talking about
my writer�s block.
12 Int. House Same
Cut back to LIZZY who looks upstairs.
LIZZY (yells upstairs)
It hasn�t come up yet. We were talking
about your lack of social skills.
JACK (off-screen)
Social skills?
RITA (off-screen)
Does Jack still have writer�s block?
LIZZY
Gus and Ginger still aren�t talking.
Hold on (yells upstairs), it just came
up, Jack.
13 Int. House Same
JACK flings book and dives for phone, he turns it on.
LIZZY (off-screen)
Does Ed ever get writer�s block?
JACK
Lizzy, I need to call Gus.
I figured it out. I�m not gonna
have to write a screenplay now.
LIZZY (off-screen)
You were gonna write a screenplay?
RITA (off-screen)
Ed never wrote a screenplay.
JACK
Ed never ripped off Beowulf either.
LIZZY (off-screen)
Let me call you back, Rita.
JACK
Yeah, you sound like you have to go
and do� something.
RITA (off-screen)
Nope.
14 Int. House Same
Cut to LIZZY in living room.
LIZZY
Jack tried to make a joke, Rita.
Talk to you soon.
RITA (off-screen)
It better not go in his book.
JACK
Nothing has in awhile.
Everyone hangs up.
LIZZY (yells upstairs)
How are you going to save Gus
and Ginger this time?
JACK (off-screen)
I�m gonna tell Gus to apologize.
LIZZY (yells upstairs)
He�s already apologized a million times.
JACK (off-screen)
But he really thought it was my idea to
tape them doing it.
LIZZY
Yeah, but it was his idea to put it on those thirteen websites.
JACK (off-screen)
What if it was my idea?
LIZZY (off-screen)
Then you�re a scumbag.
JACK
But couldn�t that allow Ginger to talk
to Gus again?
15 Int. House Same
Cut to JACK upstairs, phone in hand looking downstairs.
LIZZY (off-screen)
Anything�s possible� Hey, that�s
a good title for a screenplay.
JACK slowly puts the phone down and picks up the screenplay book again.
LIZZY (off-screen)
So, Jack, what�s your screenplay
gonna be about?
JACK (mumbles)
Gus and his stupid webcam.
LIZZY walks upstairs and sits next to JACK.
LIZZY
So Gus told you what he was
gonna do to Ginger?
JACK puts the screenplay book down. He looks at LIZZY and nods.
LIZZY
What made him think it was okay?
JACK looks forward. He throws his hands in the air and screams. LIZZY prepares herself.
JACK
Because I was writing a book about him!
Pause.
LIZZY
You didn�t watch did you?
JACK
He made it tough with all of the coverage he sought and secured.
Pause.
LIZZY
Still, you didn�t watch did you?
JACK
It found its way to one of those free porn sites. I didn�t jerk-off to them, though.
LIZZY
Is that true?
JACK shakes his head. LIZZY nods. JACK picks up the screenplay book again and starts. LIZZY looks away and shakes her head. She looks at JACK, gets up and starts to walk out of the room. She stops, turns and walks back toward JACK and grabs his book.
LIZZY
What�s wrong with you?
JACK
Other than my girlfriend yelling at me.
LIZZY
Don�t be sarcastic! What�s wrong with you?
JACK
I�m a writer with writer�s block.
LIZZY (points at the computer)
Then write! The computer is right there.
JACK
I have writer�s block.
LIZZY
I know you have writer�s block.
Pause. JACK looks down.
JACK
What should I do, Lizzy?
LIZZY
Jack, (he looks up) you�re writing about the world. Everybody is out there, doing something. We all know Gus did something.
JACK
So we should do something.
LIZZY
Have you ever thought about writing
a chapter on Gus trying to get Ginger back?
JACK
Don�t change the subject.
LIZZY
I�m not changing the subject, you are.
I�m trying to help you, again.
JACK
What is your latest brilliant idea?
LIZZY
Have you ever thought about writing
a chapter on Gus trying to get Ginger back?
JACK looks bewildered at the brilliant idea.
LIZZY
Do you have any idea how entertaining that has been for me? And everyone who is waiting to see how this part of the story resolves itself?
JACK
I would laugh if it didn�t depress me so badly.
She nods as he slowly stands up and hugs her.
JACK
Are you ready to go?
LIZZY
What? No, I have to out on make-up,
change my clothes, paint my toes so
I can wear my sandals.
JACK
I think you�re beautiful just the
way you are Lizzy.
LIZZY cocks her head to the side.
LIZZY
Let me get my shoes.
LIZZY exits and JACK waits for her. He moves over to the computer and turns it on.
16 Int. bedroom Dusk
LIZZY stares at her shoes in the closet. She hears typing in the background and sits with a smile.
17 Int. office same
LIZZY walks down stairs by JACK, who is typing.
LIZZY
I�m gonna make reservations for Spago�s.
You write and we�ll go out tomorrow.
JACK
Did you want to-
LIZZY
I�m going downstairs.
LIZZY walks down the stairs.
JACK (voice-over)
You saved us again, Lizzy.
LIZZY (walking down stairs)
I know.
JACK makes the last freaked out expression. Fade to black.
